No, Please Don't Touch Me

If you’re someone on the autism spectrum, have you ever had an experience where you learn something new about yourself that your autism can explain? You can be well into your years of knowing you’re on that spectrum, think you know everything that makes you autistic, and yet, something happens that makes you stop and go ‘oh, there’s something else too’.

Granted, many people on the spectrum might do something new and not even realize it, so maybe you’re a parent or a loved one to a spectrumite who noticed a new habit, new behavior, new something and aren’t sure how to respond to it. Moments like these for both sides can certainly be alarming, but it’s not something to be alarmed about.

I myself had a situation like this last week, and it opened my eyes to a part of myself I didn’t know too much about. One of the most common traits of someone on the autism spectrum is that they can be sensitive to touch. To them, it can feel invasive and oftentimes they shrink back in response or try to wriggle themselves out of that scenario. Growing up, I was never too sensitive to being touched, but there was always this underlining uncomfortableness (I really don’t know what other word I can use that sounds better here). In some situations, I’ve felt a little claustrophobic and would wait anxiously for the hug or embrace to end, but I almost never pulled away. I don’t want to pull away from my dad whenever he hugs me, but I often stiffen up when he does, struggling to return the gesture myself. Whenever my mom wants to hug, I’m gentle to a fault as if she is something fragile (which she is to a certain extent, if I’m to be frank and funny). Even when my wife hugs me, she likes to draw me in in a tight hug which can make me feel confined and trapped. I never like feeling like my movements are limited. I still can’t stand sitting on the couch with my feet up on it since my elbow rubs up against the back cushions. Darn you, cushions.

Last week, however, was when I started to really think about how touch affects me and what my thoughts really are on it. I was at training for a club that the foster kids camp I volunteer at hosts seasonally so that we can sustain some form of connection with the children we get to spend time with at camp, and while there, someone came up to me from behind and put his hand on my shoulder. Then the hand stayed there. As if it was purely instinctual, my own hand started to reach up. My head was slightly bowed and I didn’t turn to look at the person. Then, also seemingly instinctual, I said, flatly and quietly without thinking, ‘no, please don’t touch me’. I still have no idea if the person heard me, but he let go and moved on. I hold no negative feelings towards the person nor am I angry about it. Having known him personally for some time, I knew that his intentions were strictly good, which is why I felt a little bad that my response was what it was, but it gave me some new awareness of what my personal boundaries are and how much I actually don’t like being touched in this way, especially if it lingers.

I’m not sure if there’s a solution to this, let alone a ‘cure’, but continuing to build awareness of your own limits, boundaries, and perspectives as one on the autism spectrum is one of the ways that you can grow as a person. The more self awareness you gain, the easier certain parts of your life can get, and you can share what you’ve learned with the people who are close to you so they can learn to play by your own personal rules when they interact with you. If you need to tell them they have to be as direct or as blunt with you as possible without beating around the bush, tell them that. If you don’t like certain forms of personal touch (which can be much more difficult to explain), tell them that. It’s more likely that being honest with them about these things can strengthen your relationships. Don’t keep that awareness to yourself, otherwise you’ll just be ‘taking it’ whenever people unknowingly overstep your boundaries or don’t communicate with you correctly, and it’ll make you more miserable and less likely to want to be around others, and in turn, other people will misread your own behavior.

This is part of the journey on how you discover your own identity as a spectrumite.

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Email me at vanzotmedia@gmail.com if you’d like to submit questions about autism or autistic marriage and I may answer them on my podcast!