Welp, We're Pregnant

The last week and a half has been a whirlwind. Our routines—that we rely on so much for happiness—have been shattered. It has been harder for me to stay on top of making content for this Substack and for my YouTube channel.

Last weekend, Kay and I found out that a baby is on the way. We knew it was going to happen someday, but it still felt like a rug was pulled out from under me when it happened. There was that odd calm before the storm when the pregnancy test came up positive, and my wife is whisked away into her first trimester, having to deal with all the baggage and complications that come with it. And where does that leave me, the husband? Why, with the same expectations and responsibilities as always, of course. I still have to go to work. I still have to work on building the marketing for my novel. I still have to live life as if nothing is happening, with the occasional difference in lending a helping hand to the wife whenever she needs it. Yet, even then, I feel different while doing everything that I normally do. There’s a new layer on everything, because I come to slowly realize that I’m not just doing this for my spouse, I’m doing all of it for a child that isn’t even fully developed as a human yet and doesn’t yet even have a mind of its own.

I know I sound somber here, but I can’t stress this enough: I couldn’t be happier and more grateful for the fact that this is happening. After five years of marriage, a pandemic, and political and economic turmoil unseen in my lifetime, something like this happening feels overdue and desperately needed. For most of my life, it was a passionate desire to one day become a father and now that’s happening. A decade ago from today, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I wasn’t struggling with addiction, I wasn’t homeless, but I did have absolutely no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I didn’t know what I wanted for my life except for a few basic things, and even then, those things felt unattainable. I was drifting through my life but struggled to really ‘live’. I wasn’t capable yet of living entirely on my own despite my attempt to. I experienced breakup, relationships were broken, and my ability to trust others was shaken hard. I didn’t drive, money was always tight, and I was going through the process of coming to terms with the fact that I was on the autism spectrum.

Being where I am now was barely a thought back then, and—like I said—it felt unattainable.

At least eighty percent of me has not fully realized that—before the year is over—I’m going to become a father. Maybe the kid will be autistic. It’ll certainly be interesting if it won’t be. There’s so much I don’t know and I’m surprised the terror hasn’t set in yet. As the day gets closer, I’m sure it will. Like my wedding day, this day will probably end up being a blur in my memories. A snapshot of something so beautiful and life changing, it can’t be contained in a clear picture.

I think it goes without saying that—over the next eight months—it’s going to be a little harder to write and record on a consistent basis. If you’ve been following me for a long time, you might’ve already noticed this happening. Podcast episodes just don’t come out on Wednesdays every week like they used to, and part of that is because of how this news is already reshaping my life and my wife’s life. As the due date gets closer (something we have yet to find out), it’s going to get harder and harder just to make content, let alone release it. Until then, I will continue to do the very best I can to create content, it just might not be as consistent as it was before. Even crazier, my novel The Glass God is still coming out on May 23rd, and it’s going to be a busy summer as I promote the book and set up shop in local places to help people find out about it. I’m still going to be doing stuff, but there’s going to be static at times as the due date of our child grows near.

I want to thank you all so much who are following for your support. Thank you for commenting, sharing, and liking my podcasts and posts. The best is still yet to come, and I want you to take part in it with me!

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